I was the supervisor for today.  When my supervisor is out of the office she picks one of us to "act" for her in her absence and today it was me.  I'd done it before, but I don't think she trusts me as much as she trusts the other two ladies who have been here the longest and she DEFINITELY doesn't want Phillip doing it.  Phillip is such an arrogant person, she probably thinks he would get off too much on that power!

So anyway, it was an uneventful day, but I had to deal with her constantly e-mailing me to make sure I knew some little things that made no sense to me anyway!

I was glad it was uneventful because Mrs. Obama was in our building!  Our Department hosted a visit from her to discuss Energy savings or something and each office got to have 5 tickets for people to go to the auditorium to hear her speak.  Anyone else would have to go to one of the designated over-flow rooms.

Well, neither Phillip, Lucinda, Steph or I were selected to go.  So Phillip and I just decided to go for a walk during lunch instead.  Then we ended up going to our cafeteria where they had screens set up so that we could watch and then she ended up coming there!  It was AMAZING!!  i got pics! (Okay, so my pics were a little fuzzy, but here's a good one from someone who was a little closer!)



It was pretty awesome to be there and not eve know she was going to be coming to see us in PERSON in the over-flow! I was wondering why I got frisked to go to the cafeteria!! It was great!

Here's one of the one's i took!




It was pretty AWESOME!!!

Anyway, so I that's what I was doing today!

I was overly excited to get home and to know that we didn't have ANY karate classes today!  YEAH!!! But it's looking like it's going to be a busy weekend!  I can't WAIT for this week to be over!

I'll talk to you later!

There is just NOT enough time to do anything anymore. 

I feel so rushed and haven't been getting much sleep.  I guess if I wasn't such a procrastinator then I could manage my time a little better.  I'm REALLY trying to change that!  Honestly.

Lately it's just been a lot of sickness.  I had been sick for almost ALL of October.  I have this lingering cough that just won't go away.  It's giving everyone in my office swine-fears.  I've been managing it, but there was one week where it knocked me out COLD!!  I went to the doctors and confirmed that it wasn't "the swine", and got better, but the cough is still here.  And every day  it threatens to turn into another dreaded cold.

I've also been having some migraines.  This didn't worry me so much because I kinda just counted it out as a symptom of my caffeine withdrawal.  But after about a month and a half of no caffeine they didn't go away.  And even when I started on caffeine again, they wouldn't go away.  They got so bad to the point where I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't sleep because of the pounding. 

My doc immediately sent me in to get a CT scan of my brain.  Normal.  So now what.  I have an appointment next week to see if I need to go to see a neurologist.  Crossing my fingers and praying that I don't have some kind of tumor or something.

That has been the bulk of my worries for the past month or so.  But other than that, things have been okay.

Karl and I have been on a hit or miss schedule with our intimacy lately.  It's getting kinda bad.  He's starting to count the days since the "last time" and we can't seem to get it together enough to "seal the deal".  I don't know what's wrong.  Sick.  I guess.  But there have been times when I was feeling fine, but just tired.  Sleeps off.  Again.  I can't seem to get it together.

Oh and then there's office drama.  These people don't have enough work to keep them busy enough to not cause any drama.  But I guess that's what happens when you work with all WOMEN all the time.  Which is probably why I ALWAYS tend to find a guy to cling to in my office. 

My new guy's name is Phillip.  Sweet guy.  I actually thought he was "sweet" when we met.  He came to work for the department two weeks before I did.  He told me  he thought I was a little strange when we first met, but now I'm starting to grow on him.  I also work with Lucinda.  (she's my girlfriend who I used to work with at NASA) And I work with another girl I used to work with at NASA named Casey Little.  We joke about her name because she IS little with a Napoleon complex!  Her name used to be Casey Green when we worked together and we joked about how if she married her boyfriend at the time that her name would be LITTLE!  And she married him!  LOL!

The hard part about working with Casey is that she knew me when I first started to work.  When I was GREEN and when I was young.  She tells TONS of stories to people all around the office about how bubbly I was and how I used to always want to help with everything.  That's not so bad.  But GEEZ!!  The one story I can't get her to stop telling is how Karl like HER before he started dating me.  And the only way Karl and I met was because she played a trick on him and told him that I wanted to take him out to lunch.  I didn't know she said that, so when he came to me, I kinda embarrassed him.  And when I found out it was joke, I felt so bad that we actually did end up having lunch and becoming good friends.

Let Karl tell it and he'll say he never really did like Casey, but I was there, I saw how he was around her.  It was hilarious!

So besides Casey going around telling my business.  I enjoy working with Lu again.  And Phillip keeps me entertained.  Oh and I also work with my father-in-law's cousin, Steph.  Small world.  Steph, Phil and I worked in the back of the office so we became fast friends being the "newbies" and all. 

I've been at that job for 6 months now and I got a cash award from my servicing office.  Which was pretty darn AWESOME considering I went into DEBT taking my sis to Atlantic City for her 30th Birthday!   But it came right on time and came in handy!

The kids have been doing great.  Sam was a little bummed because she didn't get to test for her green belt in karate a few weeks ago with her class.  She just wasn't ready.  She was rushing it and needed some more time to practice.  We actually put an extra $120 into her for private lessons that STILL didn't help her test, but it's all good.  She'll get to try again at the end of this month.  There were quite a few others in her class that weren't ready either, so it was okay.

Jason and Felicia are both white belts and are doing pretty awesome in their classes.  The only problem with karate at this point is that we be there FOUR days a week now.  GEEZ!!  Karl and I take turns, so it's all good.  But with being sick, Karl had been taking most of the turns, bless his heart.  I gotta step my game up and get it in gear to help.

I tired myself out this past weekend by going to three Halloween parties. But I was glad I didn't have to go trick-or-treating this year.  Going door to door just hasn't been the same the last few years, so I was glad to have some parties to go to! 

Jason was BLADE and had this cool looking dagger that popped out of this thing on his wrist.  Sam was my Runway DIVA, so I got her a wig and sunglasses and jewelry to go with her little outfit.  (The aftercare teacher said she didn't need the outfit to be a DIVA! Oh my!)  And Felicia was Supergirl!  Josh bought her a crowbar that she could bend that made noises to show how strong she was!  And he also bought krytonite.  I got her a blond wig.  It was the cutest!  And we had a blast!  But when Sunday came, I was sooooo tired! 

I gotta get this weight off.  I think I would have more energy.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I was just sitting here thinking about it. 

Anyway.  So things are going good.  The kids are doing good in school.  I think I'm about two weeks away from getting my house as clean as I need it to be.  (this place is a pig-sty!)  Hopefully we'll get it together for the holidays.

Right now, I'm working.  Yup, actually working. Trying to get some things together so that I won't have to rush and do them tomorrow.  My supervisor has been leaving me "acting" for her a lot over the past few months, so I feel like I need to set an example.  I have to act for her tomorrow. 

This weekend is Josh's last weekend with the kids for about a year.  He's being stationed in Korea and he leaves on Saturday.  I hope he doesn't have to do the whole year, but I'm glad he's seeing his military term through to retirement. He's been in the Air Force since 1995, so he doesn't have that long to go.  But I know for him it's been a while.  He hasn't quite talked about how he feels about having to go, but he did say he was going to miss the kids a lot.  We're going to make sure they write and talk and send videos and stuff.  Hopefully that helps him. 

Well, I got work to do and some clothes to wash.  It was good coming back out here for a sec.  I'll make sure to come back sooner! 

As much as I would like to, I still can't get out here enough!  But I'm trying.

Right now, we are packing and heading to NC.  I've taken off work today and I will be off on Monday.  Karl's uncle passed away, so we are going to be with his family.

He's sad, I can tell, but I'm trying in every way possible to keep his mind focused on something, anything, else right now.  Keeping busy is always a good thing.  But he's also opened up to me, a little.  Even though no one thought he would open up at all.  He normally internalizes everything.  I mean, he didn't break down and cry on my lap or anything, but he did thank me for being so supportive and not asking all those dreaded questions that everyone else is going to ask when we get to NC.

The kids are coming too.  We want them to know as much about what's going on as possible.  Now, this ONLY triggered a bad reaction in Felicia.  She's soooo over dramatical, it's not even funny!  She immediately bust out some big FAT tears and started talking about my aunt who passed 2  years ago!  So hopefully we get through this one without her falling out or something!

I'm sure I'll be back here soon, but I did want to put a brief update out there.   I'll be back before the weekend is out with more updates.

Okay, so tomorrow is our anniversary - Karl and I will have made it to our SIX year mark!

This last year has been a little rough, but we've made it through.

So answer me, WHY is he acting a little strange tonight??

I ask him what's wrong and he just says nothing, but he's distant.  We had JUST texted each other on the phone a few hours ago while he was trying to make it home. (Karl works in VA sometimes, DC, sometimes and at home 2 days a week - subject to change in Oct.) 

Today, I'm sure he's had a grueling day and just wanted to come home.  We didn't have ANY karate classes tonight, so I fixed dinner and got the kids homework checked & started running everyone through the shower.  Well when he had come home, I was on Facebook.  (okay, YES, I'm an addict) 

Understandably, he was probably looking like - dang - WTF!?!?  There she goes with all that computer stuff again!!  But it really wasn't like that!  I was actually playing a GAME and wasn't chatting or talking to other men.  So that should be better, right?  But, no.  I'm guess the move that I made wrong here was preferring to play my game instead of catering to him.  Maybe I should've thought that through. 

Well now, he's in the bed, and I guess I should be, but I don't want to hear what he's going to say.  So I sat in the living room for a while and just looked at the blank TV screen.  Just thinking about all the stuff I had to do at work tomorrow.  So he comes out and asks me whats wrong and honestly I didn't have anything on my mind but that, so I say nothing.  And he says, yeah ok.  As if he doesn't believe me!

We walk on eggshells so much with each other that it's hard to know what is acceptable and what is not.  What we should say and what we should just keep to ourselves.  It's crazy!  And it's driving ME crazy! 

So what I'm about to do is go in the room, get in the bed and go to sleep.  Just acting like it never even happened.  It will be better in the morning.  Hopefully.

I don't know how it happened, but the honeymoon is definitely OVER! 

The new job has been giving off more stress than it's actually worth. 

Don't get me wrong, I really think it's a lot LESS stressful than where I came from, but some of the things that are made a BIG DEAL around here are not worth making a big deal over. 

For instance - I wanted to change my off day.  I get one off day every two weeks and I wanted to change it to accommodate a Dr's appt so that I wouldn't have to take leave AND to maximize office coverage for that day I was supposed to be off.  Well, my supervisor decided that she would come and meet with me about it.  But first, let me tell you how when we discussed my off day prior and I explained to my supervisor that I wanted to be off on either Tuesday or Thursday due to the many doctor's appts, dentist appts and surgeries scheduled during those days.  She told ME that it would be "difficult for her to rememeber" (even though they have a CHART!).  She said that normally people are off on Mondays or Fridays and she would appreciate it if I would take one of those days.

Mind you, I explained to her when I was hired that I would be going out for some time to take care of some dental work and other things related to the kids.  She said fine and she said that she would allow for me to SWITCH my off day when the time came.  Well the time came and she was acting REAL brand new about it.

She came over to my office and closed the door and explained how she would grant me the changes "for now", but she didn't want my switching my day to be a reoccuring thing all the time.  I'm thinking - lady, I TOLD YOU that I would need to be off, would you PREFER that I'm off on my off day AND the day I need to take off?  If so, that's fine with me!  I'm just trying to help YOUR ASS!!

Which brings me to today - I had to "request" to change my off day AGAIN because it's on Labor Day.  And since the government already has off on Labor day, I would have to take the Friday before, but I LOVE being at work before the holidays because my new job gives their employees a three hour early departure.  So I would get the 3 hours, Monday AND TUESDAY off!  Which is AWESOME considering Karl will be off too and we can spend some time together celebrating our anniversary!  (Tomorrow it will be 6 years!)

So I send my "request" to her in an e-mail and you know what I got - "I will approve you to be off on Tuesday, September 8th, but if you call in sick on September 4th, that day will be considered your AWS day and you will need to report to work on September 8th".  WTF?!!?  Lady, if I was going to take off on Friday, WHY WOULD I ASK YOU IF I COULD WORK!?!?!?

But this is a little thing.  I do have BIG problems right now.  And one of my BIG PROBLEMS had to do with an incorrect offer letter I sent to an employee.  Who is now trying to file a suit against me.  I know, it's WILD!!

This lady thinks she's slick, but it's all good.  We talked over and over again about me bringing her on board as a new employee with her current salary and rate of pay.  We talked and talked to the point of her being ANNOYING!  But when I sent her offer letter out, I printed about $12,000 MORE than what her current rate of pay was.  She never questioned it and I didn't catch it until AFTER she started. 

On her first day, I noticed it with a loud - OH SHIT - and sent her a new letter.  I apologized profusely and sent her a corrected letter.  She told ME that I was BOUND by this "typo" and that I OWE HER this money!  I explained to her that I didn't have the authority to honor such a typo and I would honor our previous conversations and e-mails where I cited the authority I had to bring her over at her CURRENT rate of pay. 

She wanted my supervisor.  I gave her the number.

My supervisor agreed with me, looked over all the e-mails and even the e-mails on the lady's first day that said - "You told me you would bring me in, at minimum, my current rate of pay".  THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING LADY!!  I told my supervisor that I had been soooo apologetic and I've tried everything tog et her to understand that even though this was a mistake, our agreement was to her CURRENT RATE!!  The lady doesn't get it, so she went to my supervisor's supervisor and higher because apparently I PROMISED her more money and my "typo" is legally binding.......

.....I give up.  She wants to pursue this, lets do it.  And I'll be there to take whatever punishment that comes along with making a "typo" in this situation.  At this point, I'm ready to just give up part of my salary just to get her off my back!  I don't care and I REALLY want to catch her outside of work, so that we can REALLY have a heart-to-heart.

Other than that, this job is pretty okay.  They drive me crazy and they know it.  We just had a very spirited team meeting where all of the NEGATIVE aspects of this office came out.  It was hilarious to watch because I know that I'm not technically being effected by it as of yet. Or at least I'm not letting it effect me!  I know what I can do if this stuff gets to be too much.  I'll just leave.

But I want to stay.  For me this job is kinda ideal.  I thought I wasn't doing enough research in my previous job and this job allows for me to do that because those heifers are ALWAYS testing me!  At my old job I thought I was being over worked and underpaid and here, they are paying me and I don't have to do NO WHERE NEAR as much as I did before. 

So right now, I'm actually working.  But I do take time to pack up my stuff so that I can leave ON TIME, at 4:30, so I'm about to go!  I'll talk to y'all later!

HOLLY - I TOTALLY LOVE YOU!!!  AND I'LL DEFINITELY COME BACK MORE OFTEN!!! **SMOOCHES!!**

For the most part, I'm feeling AWESOME today! 

I know I hadn't been here in a while, and it's only because I had been busy trying to hold my marriage together. 

In spite of everything, Karl decided to stay with me.  He's a wonderful man and I would have hated to lose him.  At one point I was going to let him go and just call it a loss, but we BOTH decided that our marriage is worth fighting for.  And I'm going to see this thing through, dammit!

We've been through a lot over the past few months.  We are still on shaky ground, but we're making it work and it has been working. 

I won't go into too much detail about what happened.  Just know that I did some things a wife should NEVER do!  And he still forgave me and he still loves me.  I will NEVER try to ruin that again.

 

The kids have been doing great too!  They all started school and I was sooooo glad when Sam was able to get into the same school as Jason and Felicia!  Now we only have to make ONE trip to the school this year!  AND she has a space in the before and after care as well!  Things are looking up and the first week of school went VERY smoothly. 

Jason and Felicia both got their white belts in karate last weekend and Sam is still working on her green.  We spend 4 days a week in karate, but the kids enjoy it, so I'm good with that!

My birthday was on July 25th and I got a new companion!  Karl bought me a KINDLE!  And it's the most addictive reading device EVER!!  I can't even TOUCH a regular book anymore!  And I'm reading them faster and faster!  I don't know why, but I LOVE this thing!  I totally cried when I got it!

 

My new job started back in April and as of today, it's still going okay.  I had to give up my own personal office for a cubicle recently, but it doesn't bother me, that's where I came from.  I don't know if the people here are working out for me though.  We are soooo busy, but yet, they have contractors that assist with the work, so that we won't be TOO busy.  Okay....so of course there are some people that give ALL there work to the contractors and I can't do that.  My contractor has to practically FORCE me to give her the work!  I guess that's something I have to get used to.  But it's all good.

I'll be back a little later.  I just wanted to post a brief update so that I can begin coming back on every night!  I miss you all too!  I'll be back soon!

It’s not as bad as I’m making it seem…..really it’s not.

He loves me, I’ve taken some things for granted, and I deserve everything that’s coming my way.

But it seems like I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t.  He’s so hell-bent on making me happy that it’s nerve-wracking.  He’s constantly asking me – “are you okay?”, “what’s wrong?”, “did I do something?”, “what’s on your mind?” and “is there anything I can do?”  I can’t even fix my face to take a DUMP without him thinking something is wrong.  And if I say “Oh, I was just taking a dump.” He’ll say “okay, but from your face it doesn’t only look like you taking a dump.” 

WTF’s the deal with that!??!  (that was just an example, but you get what I mean.)

And me, I’m on edge thinking that he has some more trump cards up his sleeves and that I’m going to get into it with him over something that happened last year.

I did admit to have a slight crush on a co-worker last year.  Just a fleeting glance.  Maybe even some impure thoughts.  And ALL of that turned into a series of interrogation questions.  Including him feeling like ALL of my male friends were a threat to him in some way.  Me saying “I love you” to others, even if it wasn’t the same way I say it to him, hurt him so deeply when it hadn’t before.

I don’t know why I would do it, I just didn’t see it as being a problem until “he who must not be named” came into my life and shook things up for me.

This other guy had my head wrapped up in his sweet talk. We hadn’t met (we did, kinda…long story), but when we chatted and e-mailed he said all the right things to someone who was looking for a little more excitement.  I felt bad because I knew I was falling for it, yet I continued to pursue it.  Something a married woman wouldn’t do.  EVER.  We exchanged more than e-mail addresses, we started to talk on the phone. Only a few times, but that was enough.  I had never ventured that far with anyone before him and couldn’t understand why I had chosen him.  I knew nothing about him.  I didn’t even know his last name.  But yet I was sacrificing my marriage over………nothing but words.

It devastated Karl when he found the e-mails and saw the texts.  His hurt was drowning out his anger.  He was more hurt than upset.  He blamed himself.  He STILL blames himself to this day.  He thinks that it was his fault I was led into the arms of another man.  He thinks that it was his lack of emotion that sent me to this “guy”. 

Honestly, I can’t say it was that. 

I can’t blame Karl, I never will.

I was looking for something, but what was it?  I had a good friend task me a LONG time ago – “why do you go hanging out so much?  What are you looking for that you don’t already have at home?”  I couldn’t answer his question then, and I STILL can’t answer the question now.

Now I’m trying to do everything I can to save my marriage.  I know there is some distance right now. We are walking on eggshells around each other.  Can’t figure out what the other one is thinking.  I’m always on edge that something I’ve done could be misconstrued as something else and send him packing. 

He once told me he would leave just to make me happy.  He said he can tell that I’m not happy with him which is why I was seeking solace in another. 

We did a lot of crying and we did a lot of talking.  I’ve been staying home on the weekends trying to rebuild and reclaim my family.  Worrying that he would leave, but knowing that he wouldn’t.  He told me he would never leave us.  Only if I asked him too.  He told me he could deal with me wanting my freedom and he would let me have it, if that would make me happy.  He told me he could deal with me seeing other men, if that would make me happy.

But that wouldn’t.  There were no words I could say that could explain to him how much I truly loved him and ONLY him that he would believe.  In his eyes I will always be a LIAR that will say just about ANYTHING to get herself out of trouble. I lied to keep from hurting him, but I should have stuck to my OWN motto with regard to that. (I would rather be mad at the truth now, then hurt later when I find out you lied.)

He told me that the best and the worse thing about me is that I can get people to believe just about anything I say, but how can he tell if I’m telling him the truth?

I could tell him I would never lie to him….but I did.  Repeatedly.

I could tell him that I wasn’t infatuated with another man…….but I was…more than one.

I could tell him that I love him……but how can he believe that when I use that word so freely with others.  Does it mean anything anymore to me?

I could tell him that I’ve given up all of my male friends,…………but he wouldn’t believe me because he knows I haven’t.  Some of them are like brothers and it hurts to know that I have to give them up.  Does this mean that I’m IN love with them?  Why the attachment?  It shouldn’t be this hard to choose my HUSBAND over these other guys.  But Karl wouldn’t make me choose.  He doesn’t want me to have to give up anything to be with him.  I don’t deserve him.

 

But believe it or not, we’re coping and trying to move forward.

I know I don’t deserve him or his love and he has every right to leave me, but I’m going to hold on to him for as long as he’ll let me. 

I know after what I’ve done, I shouldn’t be forgiven and I’m sure there are a lot of things that he will never forget, but I can help him cope.  I can be there for him like he has for me all this time.  And try my best to make things right between us.  I got a first class ticket waiting for me straight to Hell for the way I’ve treated him and he doesn’t deserve it. 

I’m making amends.  I’m fighting for my marriage. 

I’m fighting for my marriage.  One day he’s going to get tired of me and want to leave me, but I’m still going to fight. 

Okay, yeah…..I think that was just about as emotional as I can get!  Tomorrow, I’ll come back and update you all on the kids and some work stuff.  I love my new job so at least there’s no stress there.  Some stress, but no where NEAR how it used to be.  Josh is getting deployed to Korea in November, so that’s going to be an adjustment for the kids.  But more on that tomorrow.  I don’t like to spend too much time on the internet anymore.  When Karl is here, that’s family time!

Talk to you soon!

I have a LOT on my mind right now. 

That’s probably been what’s been keeping me away from here.  My thoughts.  My mind wandering and some of the things I want to say, but are afraid will be read here. 

I wanted to keep my blog as my sacred place.  A place where I could get these thoughts out of my head and hopefully out of my mind forever, but I can’t.  Well….I can, but I can’t.

You see, my thoughts and writings on this blog and other blogs that refer to me have been used against me in the past.  Making this, MY blog, no longer a safe place to air out these thoughts or even to voice certain opinions.

I feel violated……in a way.  I can’t feel TOTALLY violated because I have come to a place (the internet) where my thoughts and opinions are shared with just about anyone who wants to come across them.   So I CAN’T feel violated. 

All I know is, today is the day when I say FUCK IT!!  I have some things that are BURNING a hole in me that I need to get off my chest. Regardless of who is reading this or who is sharing this.  I’ve been away for too long and I have WAY too much on my mind.

Karl…..

Karl and I have had a little more than the speed bump I talked about earlier.  I’ve been on some what of a slippery slope when it comes to our marriage.  All of it is my doing, so I feel that I should have to deal with the repercussions of my actions.

His trust was tested.  I tested his trust. I did some things that a married woman shouldn’t do.  I’ve owned up to what I’ve done, but the worse thing that I’ve done to feed into this was to lie.  I lied.  And lied. And continued to lie.  Thinking that covering up the truth would spare Karl some of the anxiety or pain that I had already caused.  But instead it had caused even more pain than I had previously imagined. 

I’m one of “those women” that I probably talk about all the time.  I’m not a cheater, but what I was doing could have easily been construed as cheating.  And the trust in our relationship was completely shook up by what I had done.

I was spending WAY too much time on line and had some inappropriate conversations, texts, emails with people I had no business associating with in the first place.

When I was caught, I lied about it. Made it a little less harmless than it actually was.  Or at least I tried.  What I didn’t realize is that everything I said, Karl had a come back or had additional information (what I started calling the “trump cards”) that he had withheld just to see if I was telling the truth.  I was trumped almost every time.  He would ask leading questions and then I would fall right into and because he already had all the background information, he could see my lies from a MILE away.

I know I was wrong for lying.  But I didn’t want to lose him over something trivial. He loves me and I love him.  I guess I was taking a lot of things for granted when I was doing my “exploring”.  I don’t know what came over me.   I don’t even know what was going through my mind when everything was happening.

Now he thinks I’m married to HIM for convenience.  The convenience of being FREE whenever I want to be and having an in-house babysitter.  The convenience of having someone waiting for me whenever I decide to come home without even a question.  The convenience of being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want.  The convenience of the money.  The convenience of the unconditional love he’ll have for me no matter what I do.

Am I married for convenience?  I used to always joke about it when we first got married because he saved a lot of money being married to me because he could just jump on my health insurance instead of paying out the ASS for his own.

I don’t know what made me joke about it then, when now it’s come full circle and our relationship is being scrutinized on its convenience.

What I do know is that I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him.  EVER. 

So now, here we are. 

His jealously has hit an all time high!  He constantly worries about where I am, who I’m with, who I’m talking to on the phone and who I’m e-mailing back and forth.  He checks my phone and I wouldn’t put it past him to check my e-mails too. 

I’ll have to come back for some more updates………

Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to have time to blog as much as I want to.  I’ve been  trying to focus on my job and my family.  I’m putting my priorities in order and making sure that things get right between me and Karl.

I can’t say that things are exactly right and back to normal like they were before, we are constantly trying to figure out what’s wrong with each other and trying to gauge each other’s moods & it keeps us walking on eggshells all the time.  It’s okay though.  We’ll get through it.

I’m trying not to spend too much time dwelling on it because if I do then it will drive me crazy.  I can see the toll it’s taking on him.  I see the gray hairs that are starting to spring up on his head and in his goatee.  I can still see some of the pain in his eyes even when he’s smiling.  He looks so melancholy, but I don’t want him to think I feel sorry for him so I try not to acknowledge it and I just try to spend more time with him to show him how much I enjoy being with him. 

Okay, enough of that…..

I don’t even remember if I told you all that I got a new job.  I’ve actually been working with this new department for around a month now.  I GOT PAROLLED FROM THAT HELL HOLE!!!  And I couldn’t be happier! 

The new place has its advantages and disadvantages.  I had already knew 2 of the people that worked there, so that made the transition a little more easier.  They don’t have as strict of a dresscode at the new job and even though they are completely busy ALL the time, everyone looks relaxed.  I’ve been able to leave on time and spend some more time with the family.   And since Karl has a new job that takes him so far away in VA, then I get to pick them up from school too.  So it’s an exciting time for me right now. 

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how we are going to finish TWO science fair projects before Tuesday, but other than that everything has been going great.

I don’t know if we are going to be able to put the kids in the same schools for next year, which is another bummer in itself, but we are definitely going to try something.  Jason will be finishing up the 5^th grade, Felicia is finishing up the 2^nd grade and Sam is almost done her kindergarten year.

One thing that has puzzled me is that I noticed the progress report grades have gotten a little worse.  I’m so used to straight A’s that while Karl and I were having our problems, I hadn’t been checking in with the kids’ school work like I know I should have been.  Felicia is REALLY struggling with her math and ALL of her A’s went to B’s this quarter.  Jason has been struggling with his math work as well.  But I can’t tell if it’s because he’s rushing, trying to be the first to finish or if it’s because he doesn’t understand.  He’s been a tutor, so maybe he has too much on his plate.  Maybe he’s just not paying attention.  Or maybe Karl and I as parents need to pay MORE attention.  I think it’s the latter.   But we are working on that now.

Sam is doing so well in Karate.  We didn’t think that Karate classes as aftercare would be as serious as it has been.   She had just tested and received her Yellow belt, so we are proud that she can break a board with her foot!  ON THE FIRST TRY!!!  This prompted the other kids to want to join and do karate as well, so we are going to sign them up for a class in the evenings during the summer.  So they will all be going to the same summer camp, but be attending a karate class 2 to 3 times a week during the summer months.  This is going to be exciting.

I wanted to get the girls into a cheerleading group, but it’s so expensive and the girls wasn’t even sure if they wanted to do it, so I didn’t want to take the chance on paying all that money then they quit!

I’m still thinking about getting Jason into violin lesions, but if he changes schools, he may be able to do it at school, I don’t know.  Their current school is so new that they still don’t really have any structured extracurricular activities like Sam’s school.  We have a lot of decisions to make before this fall.

That’s all I have time for right now, but I’ll be back before the weekend is out with more updates.  Karl is acting a little strange right now, so I don’t want him to see me on the computer and think that I’m trying out internet dating or something…..

We’ll again talk soon!

It's been a while.

Marriage hit somewhat of a speed bump.

Needed some time to work things out and make things right.

It was totally my fault.  Taking too much time away from the family.  Letting my attention get drawn away from what's most important.  My husband.

Yes, it was another man.  Nothing happened.  Just thoughts.  But those are dangerous too.  Just talking, but that could lead to more.  Had to stop all that and focus.  Focus on what's right and focus on where my happiness is.

Karl read my last blog.  And asked me about the questions I had about our marriage and my happiness.  I didnt' know what to tell him.  Because I AM happy here. 

He blames himself for being so self absorbed.

It's not his fault. Never was his fault.  I'm a flirt. I let it go farther than it should have.  Too much time spent online, not enough time with the family.  It never was his fault. 

Everything is different now.

Things have changed.  I believe they are for the better.  We'll have to see.  He seems to still be blaming himself.  I'm spending more time at home. Not going out as much and spending time with the family.

But work has taken me away again.

It's my last two weeks before I start a new job. 

Karl sometimes wonders if my working late is taking me to seeing this other man.  It hurts to hear him say that but I can understand why he would...... because of the speed bump.

We hit a speed bump in our marriage that rocked us.  it was my fault.  But it was just a bump, we keep reminding ourselves that we WILL get through this.

When we argued about our bump, he still wanted to stay.

I threatened to leave.  His trust was faltering.  And I gave him every reason NOT to trust me.  I felt he deserved better.  I've always been broken and I knew someday I would break him.  I want him to have better.  I don't know if I can be better.  But I'm going to try.

I want us to be happy.  I want HIM to be happy and he seems to be so happy with me.... But is he still happy now, is the question. 

He seems to be.  But sometimes he thinks I'm distant.  He says that he things "I'm not always here".  I tell him that I'm stressed at work.  Sometimes he thinks that I'm thinking about "him".

Karl asked to meet "him".  Wanted to find out what he had that was taking his wife's attention away.  I wouldn't allow it.  But he sent "him" and e-mail anyway.  Introducing himself. Asking if "he" could "please send his wife home when he's done."   I was hurt and had no right to be.

Despite it all, he still wanted to be with me.  But I couldn't take the hurt I saw, so I said I would leave.  A coward.  I'm a coward.  I couldn't face the hurt in his eyes.  I couldn't stand being there and knowing that I was the cause of so much pain.  I wanted it to end, I wanted him to be happy.

He explained that if I left him, the pain would get worse.  All he wanted was me and he was willing to share. WTF!!?!  I hated that he felt that he had to share me.  I had to prove that my heart was his and ONLY his.  My heart was no where NEAR "him" and it would NEVER be. 

I talk in my sleep.

I mentioned "his" name.  I mentioned wanting to "meet him somewhere" and "sneak out of the house to see him".  It was awful.  I was afraid to sleep for days worried that my subconscious would betray me again and again.  I was definitely thinking about him, but I didn't know why.  Karl would leave the apartment every time I fell asleep.  It was horrible.

Things are normal now.  For the time being. 

I'm still stressed at work.  Aunt Flo is here, which is probably why I'm so emotional right now.  But everything is better.  Good, in fact.  Despite it all, he still loves me and trusts me and we are working through this together.

I'll be back soon for more updates.