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Thursday, October 27th 2011

10:59 PM

Where have I been??

Honestly, I don't know WHY I haven't been out here.... Lord knows I've desperately needed a release other than Facebook and Twitter! lol!

Anyway, where I left off was hard... right now, Karl and I are still together.  He ended up coming back home and we're just .... here.

But we're working on it.  We're trying to buy a house and we're trying to start things over..

I don't know if I still love him... but he's good for the kids and he's good for me.  Does that mean I'm using him?  Does that mean I don't love him?

What am I saying?  I DO still love him.   Even though we can barely be in the room together and we haven't had sex in over 3 months.... I want it to work and I want us to last.. Maybe I need to just try harder.

I'll have more updates, I just had to get that out.... even though it's very confusing....

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Saturday, January 8th 2011

11:42 AM

This Mornings Weirdness

Okay, let me start here - Josh (Felicia's dad) has come back from Korea, so he's been spending some time with Jason and Felicia and even Sam (not always, because I don't really want her to be a burden on him). 

Well he came to get Jason last night and was supposed to bring him home, but he ended up spending the night.  This morning, he was supposed to get Fee.  Karl was going to get Sam.

I was supposed to have the day free.  Do do whatever, go wherever, but all I can think about is how behind I am at work, so I think I'm going to do that. 

Anyway, Karl told me he stayed at work all night last night.  And that he was waiting outside (in the snow) until the train station opened.  I don't know if he's telling me that so that I can feel sorry for him or what.  He does that a lot.  He did that while he was here, right now it's just another thing to annoy me.

So when Karl comes, he's still acting like a visitor.  But he's telling me to go about my day, whatever.  Then Josh comes.  Karl goes and hides somewhere, I have know idea where he is, but I thought he was avoiding Josh for some reason....weird.  But whatever.  

Then when Josh leaves, Karl comes out with this smirk on his face, I didn't even ask about it. 

Now I'm thinking that Karl is going to go with me to the Amish Market and then I'm going to take him back over to his brother's house and he's going to keep Sam until tomorrow, but no....he asked me if she ate and if I was eating because his mom wanted us to come over for breakfast.  WTF??

Yeah, I'm not ready for this!  

I hated the way he just sprung it up on me, so I told him I was going to go to work and wanted to do some housework.  Which is true.  But he knows that if I don't get to work by 8am, it's a lost cause!  Because there's never any parking and there are probably already people there that are all to willing to distract me!! 

But he told me he REALLY wanted me to go!  I couldn't even muster up the energy to put on a show for his mother.  I really didn't want to go, but he seemed to have a problem with taking NO for an answer.  Then he had the nerve to tell me he would be MAD if I didn't go to work like I said I was.  Like that was my excuse for leaving!  It was, but still!  

This whole situation is weird and the more weirder it gets the less and less I want to be a part of is.  He said he's losing either way.  He loses if he's too aggressive (passive-aggressive is more like it) and he loses if he leaves me alone. He said either way he thinks I'll stay away from him.  

I don't know.  Even I don't know what I want to do.  He came over today expecting some kind of answers - when are we doing counseling?  I'm not trying to stay with my brother forever, so are you saying that I need to find my own place?  Wait, what??  I haven't even had time to sit and assess the situation!  I honestly don't think it will be resolved in a week though!

When I tell him he can come home, he's like - have things changed?  I said, I'm telling you that you can come because you don't have a place to stay!  From 3 to 4 years of issues, what could've possibly changed in a week?? 

Whatever.  I'm tired now.  I don't want to sound insensitive, but feeling sorry for him and trying not to hurt his feelings is more work than I thought it would be....I gotta figure some things out.  


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Thursday, January 6th 2011

8:27 PM

Just a Visitor

Karl wonders why things are "weird" between us and I think it's because he's been more like a visitor since he left. 

He did it the first day and he's doing it right now. 

He want's everything to be "normal", yet he knocks on the door and stands by the entrance until he's invited in the apartment.  He knocks on the bedroom door to come in.   He asks to use the bathroom.  He sits on the couch with his jacket on his legs.  He doesn't turn on the TV unless I do. 

He's like a stranger and he wonders why things are the way they are.

(side note - he just asked me if he can get a bottle of water and he told me that he's not that much of a TV person so he won't watch it unless I'm sitting with him....who IS this person??)

Yeah, I hope the night gets better before I take him back to his brother's house.
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Thursday, January 6th 2011

6:52 PM

This is soooo depressing!!

Yeah, I was reading over my blog for the last few days and was like....damn, that's depressing!

Well, I'm SORRY!  I'm actually smiling more on the outside than I am on the inside and that smiling on the outside thing is hard as SHIT, so I come here! 

It's cool with me because I can poor my heart out here and then go about my business. 

Nobody really knows about all this.  And I want to keep it that way. 

Karl came by yesterday, to visit.  And he came back over today.  He's actually here now.  

Things are different and weird between us.  The conversation is forced.  He's trying to act "normal", but I can't seem to do that.  It all seems so weird to me.  But whatever.  Right now, he's helping the girls with their homework and I've started dinner.  Talk about weird...when was the last time I cooked?  But I been doing it all week.

We'll see what happens.
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Tuesday, January 4th 2011

12:29 AM

Broken Record...

  • How am I feeling today?: broken
I sound like a broken record coming out here all the time now saying the same thing over and over again.  

He's gone.  I need to face that.  But I can't. 

We talk as if nothing has happened. 

I saw a facebook status that said "prolonging the inevitable does not change the outcome.  Whether it's done now or later, it still hurts"  

I don't know why my eyes immediately went to this status and focused on it for a long time.  Was our break-up "the inevitable".  I kinda felt that way about 3 to 4 years ago.  I knew this would happen, just didn't know when or how. 

I always knew it would be me that split us up.  I have plenty of flaws.  I flirt with other men and women.  I'm a little too open a free-loving with everyone else EXCEPT Karl.  And I know that is what's killing us.  He sees the affection I give to total strangers and wonders why I can't show him that same affection.

I don't know why.  What was it that broke my unbreakable wall down that allowed others to get close to me.  I don't know when it all started and what happened. What was I missing that is too late to get back now?  

We talk, he wants to come back, but fears that nothing has changed.  It's only been a few days, I can't say that anything has changed.  I'm constantly busy.  Karl did everything for me.  I find myself cooking now.  Picking out clothes at night, going to the store every 5 seconds for something the kids need.  Disciplining them and now that Jason is sick, I help them heal.  

I called his name again today as if he was going to come out of the room any second. 

I told the kids because they kept asking questions.  I don't know how they are taking it, but it's been pretty much, business as usual around here.  Except when Sam said today, "do you think my daddy will come back today or tomorrow?"  And I had to tell her I don't know.  And just like that, she changed the subject. 

They've been awesome little distractions and I've needed it.  Karl keeps telling me that he wants to be able to call and hear my voice but he can't hold himself together long enough for us to talk.  I feel bad that I've blocked all the hurt.  I've cried myself out and even though I tear up from time to time, I don't flood my pillows.  

I can feel it coming though, some kind of break down of sorts.  I'm kinda glad I've had these few days to get myself together before I go back to work on Thursday.  This is hard and the more and more I go to that empty bed, it gets harder and harder.  So I don't go, I come here.  I pour it all out and be done with it. 

My family can't know about this.  They will definitely see it as my fault.  I don't want anyone to know. 

Tomorrow, I'll blog about something different, I promise.  I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm feeling right.  Even though I continue to smile on the outside to keep from crying......
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Monday, January 3rd 2011

9:36 AM

Talking

We're talking.  

Nothing deep.  Everyday stuff.

He keeps saying he misses me and the kids and I keep asking well, why don't you come home.  He said his coming home will not answer the questions I have about our marriage. 

He keeps asking questions about other men.  But yet he keeps saying he's nothing without me.

He keeps making me feel worse than what I do already.  I should feel bad.  This is my fault.  

I keep crying.  Constantly crying. 

But when I talk to people, I suppress that.  I gotta keep that part of me hidden.  It's funny how get people telling me that I give WAY too much information, but I don't want anyone to know about this part of me.  This has to stay locked up.

The kids know. 

They could tell something was wrong, I couldn't hide it from them, especially when they kept asking where he was and when was he coming home.  "He might not be" is all I could say.

Trying to keep busy, but I'm off for the next few days, so that's going to be hard.  I have a lot of cleaning to do, so that will work. 

Washing clothes, picking out clothes for the kids for tomorrow.  Wondering what to cook for dinner.  Yeah, there's plenty to keep me busy.  

I can't get my sleep together.  The bed is always cold.  I guess this is what I wanted, right?
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Sunday, January 2nd 2011

4:22 PM

Distractions

Some people may look at me right now and think that NOTHINGs going wrong in my life, but its quite the contrary.  

I just have so many things to distract me.  I don't think I'm "moving on" from Karl, but whenever he's away, my single-parent mentality kicks in. 

When I get ONE SECOND to myself the waterworks happen.  Every time.  And when I saw his sister today, I couldn't contain myself. 

I'm so worried about what the outcome of all this will be. 

Will we stay married or will we divorce. 

I hope he doesn't hate me.  But I can't continue to watch him suffer.  He doesn't see it that way and probably never will, but I think he's so much better off without me. 

We've talked a lot over the past few days.  Mostly chatting or texting.  Not really talking.  He called today and I could feel the pain in his voice and I'm sure he could tell I had been crying.

I didn't even know it was nice outside yesterday.  I hadn't been out of my room.  

But right now, I gotta keep it moving.  Get the kids ready to start taking the bus to school tomorrow.  Get their clothes washed, their hair braided, etc. 

I have a lot to do.  

Sam was finishing her winter packet and I yelled to Karl in the room to help her....completely forgetting that he's not there. 

I'm still hurting him even though we are apart.  How can this be happening and why am I continuing to let it happen??

I asked him to stay when he came by yesterday, but he didn't.  I think deep down he knows what's best too.........
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Saturday, January 1st 2011

10:37 PM

Separated....

2011 only brought with it pain.  I want to believe that this is going to be a better year, but I can't.  Especially when I think about the fact that Karl and I are actually sleeping in separate places tonight. 

He said he can't trust me.  And I haven't really given him a reason to.  

He said he's "seen" conversations that I've had with other men.  I didn't know what to tell him. 

I've been having some issues with our marriage for a while now, I can't say that I was surprised on New Year's eve when he said he's thinking about leaving.  

A little voice in my head said, "let him go, he's better off without you.  Don't be selfish, you didn't want it to work anyway or else you would've been fighting to keep him.  Just let him go.  He'll thank you later!"

It hurts.

I love him, the pain I'm feeling right now tells me that.  But there are A LOT of unanswered questions that I need to figure out for myself and I don't want to continue this if it's not meant to be. 

He said he had stopped talking to me about buying houses a while ago because he knew we weren't going to make it.  

He said that I get to do any and everything I want, so he's the loser in this situation, he loses his family, his wife and his identity. 

I told him that I knew that there was something I hadn't been giving him for a long time now.  We've been distant.  He's been sad and I know I had been hurting him, but even when I tried to give him what I thought he needed, he needed more and I wasn't giving it to him.  I don't know why.  

He told me that he doesn't think that I know what a real marriage is.  He's right, I don't.  I haven't had any good role models in my family, maybe my grandparents, but my grandmother died back in 2002, who else is there? 

I'm selfish.  I'm toxic.  I'm broken.

I'll never be able to make anyone else happy.  

I need to work on me.  Maybe that's the answer.


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Tuesday, August 31st 2010

2:46 AM

Sleep's off....

My sleep is off because I keep going to sleep too early.  Been working the 7 to 3:30 shift and I'm loving it!  But I need to get to bed early to get out of the house as early as I can.  That's pretty hard since I'm such a night owl but I been doing it!  Right now I'm going to sleep at about 7pm and waking up at 1am.  WTF?? 

The last few weeks have been a little trying and busy.  School started for the kids on August 23rd.  Jason is in the 7th grade now, Felicia is in the 4th grade and Sam is in the 2nd.

We got Jason a cell phone this summer.  ONLY because he's 12 and he would be taking the bus home by himself this year! (I'm sooooo NOT a fan of unecessary cell phones for kids!)  We gotta save on childcare this year, it's been KILLING us!  So Jason has shown that he can be very responsible by staying home by himself for a few hours in the afternoon.  The childcare payments have been CRAZY!

Especially with that damn karate!  Even though this is extracurricular, I STILL gotta pay it!   I could go on and on about how karate made me HATE organized sports with never ending contracts and obligations.  That bastard could've canceled our contract, he just didn't want to.  My kids no longer WANT to do karate, but we're OBLIGATED by our contract to continue for the next 23 MONTHS!!! WTF??  I wanted to kick somebody's ASS for holding that gun to my head and making me sign that thing!  But it's my fault and my loss and now we have to deal with it!

So when I went into the karate place and screamed and cried like a crazy person, the owner decided to transfer my contract over to aftercare (no beforecare for my kid's school, apparently only select schools because their asses are to LAZY to get up early to take my kids to school, but whatever!)  So now, my crying got me a discount on aftercare to supplement my karate contract and got my downpayment and registration fees waived.  I'm still being SCREWED but at least he lubed it up for me!

Anyway.  Karate is that thorn in my side.  So much to the point where I can't even stand going IN that place anymore.  We just hover around the outside and WILL the kids out through telepathy!  LOL!

But anyway, work has been........well, just work.  I feel like the IRS is sticking it to us and we're working for NOTHING right now.  Still not financially stable enough to buy a house, but the rent keeps going up on our apartment.  Right now we are paying MORTGAGE prices and we don't even OWN anything.  We just keep getting ourselves more and more in debt.  I'm starting to think that owning a house is not even in my future.  I wanted the kids to be able to run around in the yard and stuff, but by the time we do all that, they not gonna want to!

My job has just been a way to make ends meet.  I make a good amount of money, I definitely have to say that, but the debt KILLS me!  I see people who make WAY less than I do go on all kinds of trips, they always got new clothes and shoes, hair and nails always done.   but yet I wear the SAME few outfits every couple weeks, the SAME shoes over and over, I can't WAIT for the winter to come so I can use the SAME coat I been wearing for the past two years!  All I CAN say is that I at least put aside some money to go out from time to time and to keep my nails and my hair presentable.  My job is very customer service focused, so I at least need THAT! 

It kills Karl that I have some side money, but he won't ever let me know that.  It's not a lot.  Lately I haven't needed to get my hair done because of the braids, so that's going to bills. And my nails have been $30 a the MOST! So whatever!  I think he wonders how much I spend when I go out, but really I don't go too many places that don't have some kinda "free" option!  I go and spend time with my girlfriends at their houses, just to get outta the house.  That's all!  Company, movies, maybe one drink, mostly free!  No cover charges, no new outfits needed, just come as you are.  I love it.  And I definitely need the wind down after a long week! 

But I guess since Karl doesn't have many friends, it kinda bothers him that I wanna spend at least one day out.  We argue a lot, but staying in the house just looking at him watching me is soooo not where I want to be.  Things are weird now.  He's in this mood where he's like - well I guess this is what our "marriage" is going to be even though that's not MY view on marriage.  Whatever dude.  I don't know if we're growing apart or what, but I'm definitely getting tired.

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Wednesday, August 18th 2010

4:46 PM

Whatever...

  • How am I feeling today?: Whatever`
  • Word(s) of the Day: Whatever
  • Today's Fun w/Family: Whatever
  • Exercise today?: Yeah, okay, whatever!

It's just one of those DAYS!!

I was working from home, so things should've been smooth, but the kids were here making all kinds of noises while I was supposed to be working.

I know the ONLY reason they are PSYCHO is because I'm rubbing off on them.  But whatever.  I guess I'll have THAT to deal with when they are teenagers.

I had a fight with a friend today and I don't even know why.  It was kinda like a silent fight, but it was a fight.  I guess I won't be having THAT friend anymore. Whatever.

I'm just in a "whatever" kinda mood today. I guess.

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