Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to have time to blog as much as I want to.  I’ve been  trying to focus on my job and my family.  I’m putting my priorities in order and making sure that things get right between me and Karl.

I can’t say that things are exactly right and back to normal like they were before, we are constantly trying to figure out what’s wrong with each other and trying to gauge each other’s moods & it keeps us walking on eggshells all the time.  It’s okay though.  We’ll get through it.

I’m trying not to spend too much time dwelling on it because if I do then it will drive me crazy.  I can see the toll it’s taking on him.  I see the gray hairs that are starting to spring up on his head and in his goatee.  I can still see some of the pain in his eyes even when he’s smiling.  He looks so melancholy, but I don’t want him to think I feel sorry for him so I try not to acknowledge it and I just try to spend more time with him to show him how much I enjoy being with him. 

Okay, enough of that…..

I don’t even remember if I told you all that I got a new job.  I’ve actually been working with this new department for around a month now.  I GOT PAROLLED FROM THAT HELL HOLE!!!  And I couldn’t be happier! 

The new place has its advantages and disadvantages.  I had already knew 2 of the people that worked there, so that made the transition a little more easier.  They don’t have as strict of a dresscode at the new job and even though they are completely busy ALL the time, everyone looks relaxed.  I’ve been able to leave on time and spend some more time with the family.   And since Karl has a new job that takes him so far away in VA, then I get to pick them up from school too.  So it’s an exciting time for me right now. 

Right now, I’m trying to figure out how we are going to finish TWO science fair projects before Tuesday, but other than that everything has been going great.

I don’t know if we are going to be able to put the kids in the same schools for next year, which is another bummer in itself, but we are definitely going to try something.  Jason will be finishing up the 5^th grade, Felicia is finishing up the 2^nd grade and Sam is almost done her kindergarten year.

One thing that has puzzled me is that I noticed the progress report grades have gotten a little worse.  I’m so used to straight A’s that while Karl and I were having our problems, I hadn’t been checking in with the kids’ school work like I know I should have been.  Felicia is REALLY struggling with her math and ALL of her A’s went to B’s this quarter.  Jason has been struggling with his math work as well.  But I can’t tell if it’s because he’s rushing, trying to be the first to finish or if it’s because he doesn’t understand.  He’s been a tutor, so maybe he has too much on his plate.  Maybe he’s just not paying attention.  Or maybe Karl and I as parents need to pay MORE attention.  I think it’s the latter.   But we are working on that now.

Sam is doing so well in Karate.  We didn’t think that Karate classes as aftercare would be as serious as it has been.   She had just tested and received her Yellow belt, so we are proud that she can break a board with her foot!  ON THE FIRST TRY!!!  This prompted the other kids to want to join and do karate as well, so we are going to sign them up for a class in the evenings during the summer.  So they will all be going to the same summer camp, but be attending a karate class 2 to 3 times a week during the summer months.  This is going to be exciting.

I wanted to get the girls into a cheerleading group, but it’s so expensive and the girls wasn’t even sure if they wanted to do it, so I didn’t want to take the chance on paying all that money then they quit!

I’m still thinking about getting Jason into violin lesions, but if he changes schools, he may be able to do it at school, I don’t know.  Their current school is so new that they still don’t really have any structured extracurricular activities like Sam’s school.  We have a lot of decisions to make before this fall.

That’s all I have time for right now, but I’ll be back before the weekend is out with more updates.  Karl is acting a little strange right now, so I don’t want him to see me on the computer and think that I’m trying out internet dating or something…..

We’ll again talk soon!

It's been a while.

Marriage hit somewhat of a speed bump.

Needed some time to work things out and make things right.

It was totally my fault.  Taking too much time away from the family.  Letting my attention get drawn away from what's most important.  My husband.

Yes, it was another man.  Nothing happened.  Just thoughts.  But those are dangerous too.  Just talking, but that could lead to more.  Had to stop all that and focus.  Focus on what's right and focus on where my happiness is.

Karl read my last blog.  And asked me about the questions I had about our marriage and my happiness.  I didnt' know what to tell him.  Because I AM happy here. 

He blames himself for being so self absorbed.

It's not his fault. Never was his fault.  I'm a flirt. I let it go farther than it should have.  Too much time spent online, not enough time with the family.  It never was his fault. 

Everything is different now.

Things have changed.  I believe they are for the better.  We'll have to see.  He seems to still be blaming himself.  I'm spending more time at home. Not going out as much and spending time with the family.

But work has taken me away again.

It's my last two weeks before I start a new job. 

Karl sometimes wonders if my working late is taking me to seeing this other man.  It hurts to hear him say that but I can understand why he would...... because of the speed bump.

We hit a speed bump in our marriage that rocked us.  it was my fault.  But it was just a bump, we keep reminding ourselves that we WILL get through this.

When we argued about our bump, he still wanted to stay.

I threatened to leave.  His trust was faltering.  And I gave him every reason NOT to trust me.  I felt he deserved better.  I've always been broken and I knew someday I would break him.  I want him to have better.  I don't know if I can be better.  But I'm going to try.

I want us to be happy.  I want HIM to be happy and he seems to be so happy with me.... But is he still happy now, is the question. 

He seems to be.  But sometimes he thinks I'm distant.  He says that he things "I'm not always here".  I tell him that I'm stressed at work.  Sometimes he thinks that I'm thinking about "him".

Karl asked to meet "him".  Wanted to find out what he had that was taking his wife's attention away.  I wouldn't allow it.  But he sent "him" and e-mail anyway.  Introducing himself. Asking if "he" could "please send his wife home when he's done."   I was hurt and had no right to be.

Despite it all, he still wanted to be with me.  But I couldn't take the hurt I saw, so I said I would leave.  A coward.  I'm a coward.  I couldn't face the hurt in his eyes.  I couldn't stand being there and knowing that I was the cause of so much pain.  I wanted it to end, I wanted him to be happy.

He explained that if I left him, the pain would get worse.  All he wanted was me and he was willing to share. WTF!!?!  I hated that he felt that he had to share me.  I had to prove that my heart was his and ONLY his.  My heart was no where NEAR "him" and it would NEVER be. 

I talk in my sleep.

I mentioned "his" name.  I mentioned wanting to "meet him somewhere" and "sneak out of the house to see him".  It was awful.  I was afraid to sleep for days worried that my subconscious would betray me again and again.  I was definitely thinking about him, but I didn't know why.  Karl would leave the apartment every time I fell asleep.  It was horrible.

Things are normal now.  For the time being. 

I'm still stressed at work.  Aunt Flo is here, which is probably why I'm so emotional right now.  But everything is better.  Good, in fact.  Despite it all, he still loves me and trusts me and we are working through this together.

I'll be back soon for more updates. 

The heading should say it all.

Karl and I are having some issues that has been consuming me.  A lot of it having to do with what was written in my last blog.  I don't know what to tell you. 

The Sunday Blues still plagues me.  Even though I was "supposed" to be off work tomorrow, I decided to change it to Tuesday and then I wanted to be off again on Thursday, so at least it will be a short week for me. 

Jason has a dentist appointment on Tuesday and I'm going to try to go and see my doctor again on Thursday.  Something is wrong with me, but nobody seems to be able to tell me what that is.  So I'll just keep going back until they figure it out.  My heart keeps racing for no reason.  I could be just sitting and watching TV and my heart will start POUNDING as if I'm running.  The next time it happens, I'm just going to go to the emergency room, cause that just CAN'T be good.

Every time I go to the doctor's office they give me the EKG or something and nothing shows up.  I'm one of the more "healthier" chunky chicks apparently.

But I'll get it all figured out soon.

Here's the thing, I've taken great pains in trying to get myself ready for the week on Sundays and trying not to procrastinate until the last minute has always been a chore for me.  Right now, I'm washing the kids clothes and my clothes.  (I've even been going the extra mile and hanging them up instead of just leaving them in the laundry room!)  I'm trying to keep the house clean and all the clothes washed so they won't pile up on us again.  It had taken me almost a MONTH to get us caught up!  I should've just went to the laundromat, but who has money for that?!?!

Anyway, I'm about to go and wash and braid the girl's hair for this week.  Felicia gets her hair washed every two weeks, but Sam needs her hair washed every single week!  She has soooo much hair and the texture of it helps keep dandruff, so if I miss a week, we are in trouble!

My only other problem with being a procrastinator and all the things that I have to do around the house, is that I've been spending soooooo much time online. 

I'm on Myspace, Facebook, and Tagged and not to mention I've been texting and IMing EVERYBODY!!  It's crazy how much time I spend with technology!   In doing so, I've met several new friemds and some seriously weird guys who are dead set on "meeting me soon".  Wow. 

I was chatting with this guy named LW earlier and he just kept going on and on about he he's never done this before but how my "beauty captured him".  That was nice.  But after a while it got kinda boring.  He started to get into wanting to go out and stuff.  Now, mind you, on ALL of these sites I make it plain and clear that I'm married, but they just don't seem to care anymore.  But there are some guys and girls that are out there just looking for someone to talk too and I was told that I have a "Dear Abby" kinda face, and  that's why they talk to me.  Whatever.  I like the conversations.  Except when they start to turn nasty and more often then not, they do.

Even from some of the women.  I had this one lady coming after me because apparently my profile had been accidentally set to "bisexual", so she was coming at me  hard!  It was kinda funny and scary all at the same time!  She was from Washington State (I think), so I know she wouldn't be comimg to stalk me any time soon!

Right now, Karl and I are both trying to get the house in order for the week.  But I just want to lay around and read my book all day.  The cramps are just not giving up. But it feels like Aunt Flo will be gone before the end of the day.  I love my 3 day visits, but the only problem is, they are ONLY 22 days apart, so that heifer will be back before we know it!  DAMMIT.

I don't think the fact that I have been talking to other guys is bothering Karl at all since I'm still being attentive to his needs.  I think he has an issue with me being online, no matter who I'm talking to,  when I'm on there for long periods of time, but when he's around, I try to stay off. 

I never really talk bad about our marriage because there's really nothing bad about it.  I know you all know how Karl and I feel about each other and all the things he does for me.  Sometimes I do find myself questioning whether or not it's just for the convenience of it all.  Does he really love me?  Am I bored with it?  What can I do to light a fire in our relationship?  Has the fire fizzled or is it just that I haven't been fanning the flames?  These are just some of the questions that I've been asking myself.  There's nothing wrong with our relationship, or is that something I'm just telling myself?  Why are other guys catching my attention more easily now?  Why can't I just focus on him like I used to?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I feel like such a bad person for asking these questions?  I don't know.  But I'm sure like a lot of other things, the answers will reveal themselves. 

Okay, enough of that. 

I have to go finish the clothes and get the the girls ready for next week.  I'm thinking about going back to swim aerobics next week too, if they have some openings.  I took a hiatus from that too.  For shame!!  But I'm going back.  I need to do something just to keep my energy up!

Well, I'm sure I'll be back sometime tonight.  Talk to you again soon!

Aunt Flo is here.  And that heifer is DETERMINED to ruin my weekend!

We were supposed to be going to NC this weekend to Karl's cousin's wedding, but we had to cancel since we have absolutely NO brakes on the van.  There was no way we were going to make that trip safely.

Plus, it didn't really seem like we were going anyway since we didn't pack, we didn't shop and we are really broke.  We really didn't even prepare to make the trip at all.

Money has been a little tighter than usual lately.  So I've been applying for other jobs just trying to see how marketable I am.

My girlfriend Lu, who used to work with me at my old job, put me on to this job where she works now.  She said her supervisor just wants to meet me.  They have some openings and they wanted to see how I would work out.  I don't know if I'm good with "change", but I need something.  The people at my job are driving me crazy and they are starting to make me feel like I don't belong there.  That's when I know it's really time to go.

Karl has been chilling lately.  I've been working so many hours that we barely get to see each other.  He complains sometimes, but knows what I need to do to keep my sanity at this job and he's okay with that.  Or so he says.  We've had our fair share of disagreements and most of them end with him agreeing with me and basically just wanting me to shut up. 

We had another "are you sure you are happy in our marriage" conversation.  I don't know how to take those sometimes.  He constantly reminds me that he loves me more that I could possibly ever imagine. He loves HARD and I'm afraid to find out how hard that truly is. 

The kids are doing well too..

Jason has gotten Principal's Honor roll. Straight A's.  He keeps me proud. He's doing an afterschool program at school which helps them study for the Maryland Standardized Tests (The MSA, I think that's what it's called)  He's been getting advanced scores for the last few years.  But HE made the decision that he wanted to study this year.  I hope he has the same mindset when it comes to SAT prep!

Felicia is doing very well in school she got all As, Bs and one C on her progress report this past semester.  We discussed the C and she said she would do her best to bring it up.  It was in reading.  She actually ended up bringing it up to an A!  And got a few honor roll certificates herself this year.  She's normally so upset when Jason gets all the certificates and she doesn't but this time she got some too!

Sam is progressing very well in Kindergarten even though she is an early entrant.  That doesn't seem to have been having any negative effects on her.  The only problem is, since I'm not home most of the time, Karl has to help with the homework and sometimes he forgets.  She's gone to school several times without her homework.  Luckily it hasn't effected her grades yet.  But I've been trying to make a better effort at it.

The one thing I can say about all of the kids at they are growing up so nicely.  They don't get into too much trouble and I don't have to worry about them when I'm not around.  They are good kids.  I know I complain, but they are the best!

Another thing good I can probably say is about my new supervisor.  I've had a new supervisor since October of last year.  She seems to be dead set on getting my performance rating up from last year.  She's been very good at keeping me focused and headed in the right direction and I appreciate that from her.

I'm trying to say some nice things so that the cramps I'm having won't make me sit here and talk nasty about people!

I'm sure I'll have more to catch you up on later, but for now, i need to get this weeks hair pieces and figure out where the money is goingt to come from for me to get my nails and toes done on Tuesday!

Talk to you again soon!

It's taken a while for me to get myself together.  And I've been very busy with a lot of things in my life which I will come back and give you great detail a little later.

I just wanted to tell everyone that I've decided NOT to shut down this blog.  This blog has been like a savior to me through a lot of hard times when I just needed to rant and rave.  I just couldn't give that up so quickly and easily.  And as much as I wanted to start a new one, I didn't want to start all over either or allow ANYONE to run me from this place. My place.

So I've decided to stay and still write what I want when I want and if anyone has a problem with that then they choose not to read it! 

Thank you all for your supportive comments, emails and notes of encouragement.  It really helped me a lot. 

I have A LOT to catch you up on, but we'll be getting into that later.

One other thing - I've changed my e-mail address since kiss4krissy@yahoo.com has been getting SPAMMED TO DEATH lately.  Here is my new e-mail address for those of you wanting to get in touch with me - morekisses4krissyatyahoo.com.

Thanks a bunch!  And we'll talk again soon!

Yeah, I'm going to have to shut down this blog. 

I'm thinking about restarting it again, anonymously, since I've been getting so much flack behind this one, I need a fresh start.  If you are interested in keeping up with me, send me an e-mail and I'll let you know about the new site (or if there is even going to be one).

Send e-mails to kiss4krissy@yahoo.com.

I really appreciate all of your support and your comments and the love I've gotten from everyone here in the Bravenet Community and beyond. 

I'll definitely continue to read up on your sites and come to visit you more often while I transition into....whatever I plan to do in the future.  I still have no clue yet.  But I wanted to let you all be the first to know once I've made my decision to shut down.

Thank you again.  And I'm sure we'll talk again soon!

I need to free my system of all of it's TOXINS!  I've been dealing with some very toxic PEOPLE and SITUATIONS lately and I just need to CLEANSE!!

Right now I'm DEAD tired, I've been working too hard again.  And for what!?!?  Nothing!!  They don't appreciate me.  They completely disregard my relevance in my position and that kinda pisses me off.  Like today, I've been handling the new employees EVERY TWO WEEKS for a while now, but when it comes to the processes and procedures dealing with MY presentation every two weeks, my deputy Director doesn't even want me to be a part of the meetings that are being scheduled to help the process run smoother.  Thats BULL!!  And I told my supervisor that if I can't go to the meetings then she should just find someone else to do my presentation.  What's the point if I cant get first hand knowledge on what I'm doing wrong and what I can do to improve it.  Best believe that I'M the first one they blame when it doesn't go smoothly!

Anyway, I've decided that in 2009 I'm going to get rid of everything that's TOXIC to me.  I knew at the beginning of this year that I wouldn't get through the year with the same friends.  My friends are shifting and I'm FINALLY figuring out that I'm a HORRIBLE judge of character.  This almost always bites me.  Even though people tell me the fire is hot, I still have to touch it for me to believe them. 

Crazy, I know, but it's true.  I have to give people the benefit of the doubt before judging them too harshly.  I'm always all about making new friends and the ones I can actually keep are always only the ones that have been through some hard times with me or the ones that have known me the longest.

It takes a lot to have to deal with me.  I don't know why, but it does.  I'm a very friendly person, but there is something in my personality, a certain kind of dominance, that makes it difficult to deal with me. But I'm very friendly and I wouldn't hesitate to welcome someone in. 

The only problem I have with people who don't know me that well is that they tend to take my kindness for weakness.  It's all good because when I get into "bitchmode" watch what I do.

.......okay, I almost fell asleep at this computer!  I gotta go, I'll talk to you again soon!  I gotta get up and go to work as early as I can tomorrow.  See ya'!

I hope everyone is having an enjoyable Thankgiving today. I am thankful for all of my friends and family. Especially my friends here in the Bravenet Community. I really appreciate you all. I wish you all a wonderful and safe holiday! And I'm totally jealous of those who are off tomorrow!!

Right now, I'm watching my hubby cook all this food and trying to help out where I can, mostly being his taste-tester! LOL! I decided I wouldn't use this holiday to try to learn how to cook even if it would mean only torturing our immediate family. I'm going to try at another time. I may bake a cake this weekend though. Nothings wrong with my baking skills!

Sam and I are about to get dressed so that we can head over to my in-laws house. Jason and Felicia went with Josh yesterday afternoon and they will return at 4 today so that we can head over my aunts house for dinner later. And for our family's annual Talent Showcase. We normally do it during the summer, but this year it's going to be after Thanksgiving dinner. I can't wait to see what Big Steph and my other aunts have in store for us. Me, Ray, Lisa and Jordan normally do something, but we haven't done anything in the last few years. It's been a little longer for me since I think my kids should have to carry that torch. Last year I started teaching them the "goodbye" song from the sound of music. Yes, I wanted my kids and Ray's kids to be the VonTrap family singers! LOL! But it was the cutest thing and they really wanted to learn it! I'm thinking we'll get it good for next year.

I heard that Big Verny and my Aunt Tracey will be doing something with Beyonce's Single Ladies song. Oh Goodness! I can't wait to see what's going to happen and we'll definitely be getting that on video! I went to visit Tiffany and the baby yesterday while I was getting my hair for today. She is doing great as a mother. It amazes me how much she is so into it seeing as how I never thought I would ever see the day that she would be having children because she just wasn't into them. I love seeing her with him. It's the cutest thing ever.

Tomorrow I have to go to work and I'm a little pissy about it but I have a TON of days off in December including a day that I'll have to be off for jury duty! So exciting! At least I'll be able to get some work done without everyone being there tomorrow. The trick is to come home in time enough to sleep off all that food that's going to happen today!

On Friday night, I'm going to hang out with Toni at a club where they are going to have some live bands and open mic night. I can't wait, that sounds like it should be fun!

Saturday, the kids will still be with Josh, so I'm going to do something with Sam and chill with her. But the night will be spent with Ray. One of her friends is having her 30 birthday at this club around the corner.

Sunday, is being spent with the family. I think I wanna try to go to church and then have a movie afternoon while I do the girls' hair.

That rounds off my weekend, but I'll be back to tell you more tomorrow! Talk to you soon! Have a great holiday!

Wow, I'm honored to have won Journal of the Week this week!  Wow!

i don't even know how it happened, but I really appreciate it and I appreciate all of you.

Thank you all for stopping by to visit me and keeping me SANE!

I want to apologize for the last few entries, someone made a comment about my language and I really want to apologize if I've offended anyone.  I come here to vent and lately, that's the way I've been feeling.  A few bad words may slip out while I'm trying to get my thoughts together, but that's just the way I am.  That's me and it's real and this is the only place where I feel like I can not worry about whether or not my "filter" is going to be working that day. 

But again -I thank you all so much for your congratulations and your comments.

________________________________

Alright, so Thanksgiving is coming up and you know what happens around the holidays with us.  We have to schedule visiting hours for Josh and his family, Jason's family's side and my family.  It always gets pretty hectic.  The only GREAT part is that I have a few more days off to look forward to!  Unfortunately some of them  may be spent going to the doctors or the dentist or even to Jury Duty.  But I still got some days off coming to me!

This job will no longer steal my energy.  I've been leaving on time and spending more time with the family.  I'm excited about my new leaves!  I've been cleaning and getting things in order.  I have more time outside of work to start to entertain in the house!  I can't be more excited! 

Okay, I gotta go for now, but I wanted to stop by for a sec.  Karl and Jason are out getting haircuts, so I have to do dinner for the girls.  I'll talk to you soon!