It’s not as bad as I’m making it seem…..really it’s not.

He loves me, I’ve taken some things for granted, and I deserve everything that’s coming my way.

But it seems like I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t.  He’s so hell-bent on making me happy that it’s nerve-wracking.  He’s constantly asking me – “are you okay?”, “what’s wrong?”, “did I do something?”, “what’s on your mind?” and “is there anything I can do?”  I can’t even fix my face to take a DUMP without him thinking something is wrong.  And if I say “Oh, I was just taking a dump.” He’ll say “okay, but from your face it doesn’t only look like you taking a dump.” 

WTF’s the deal with that!??!  (that was just an example, but you get what I mean.)

And me, I’m on edge thinking that he has some more trump cards up his sleeves and that I’m going to get into it with him over something that happened last year.

I did admit to have a slight crush on a co-worker last year.  Just a fleeting glance.  Maybe even some impure thoughts.  And ALL of that turned into a series of interrogation questions.  Including him feeling like ALL of my male friends were a threat to him in some way.  Me saying “I love you” to others, even if it wasn’t the same way I say it to him, hurt him so deeply when it hadn’t before.

I don’t know why I would do it, I just didn’t see it as being a problem until “he who must not be named” came into my life and shook things up for me.

This other guy had my head wrapped up in his sweet talk. We hadn’t met (we did, kinda…long story), but when we chatted and e-mailed he said all the right things to someone who was looking for a little more excitement.  I felt bad because I knew I was falling for it, yet I continued to pursue it.  Something a married woman wouldn’t do.  EVER.  We exchanged more than e-mail addresses, we started to talk on the phone. Only a few times, but that was enough.  I had never ventured that far with anyone before him and couldn’t understand why I had chosen him.  I knew nothing about him.  I didn’t even know his last name.  But yet I was sacrificing my marriage over………nothing but words.

It devastated Karl when he found the e-mails and saw the texts.  His hurt was drowning out his anger.  He was more hurt than upset.  He blamed himself.  He STILL blames himself to this day.  He thinks that it was his fault I was led into the arms of another man.  He thinks that it was his lack of emotion that sent me to this “guy”. 

Honestly, I can’t say it was that. 

I can’t blame Karl, I never will.

I was looking for something, but what was it?  I had a good friend task me a LONG time ago – “why do you go hanging out so much?  What are you looking for that you don’t already have at home?”  I couldn’t answer his question then, and I STILL can’t answer the question now.

Now I’m trying to do everything I can to save my marriage.  I know there is some distance right now. We are walking on eggshells around each other.  Can’t figure out what the other one is thinking.  I’m always on edge that something I’ve done could be misconstrued as something else and send him packing. 

He once told me he would leave just to make me happy.  He said he can tell that I’m not happy with him which is why I was seeking solace in another. 

We did a lot of crying and we did a lot of talking.  I’ve been staying home on the weekends trying to rebuild and reclaim my family.  Worrying that he would leave, but knowing that he wouldn’t.  He told me he would never leave us.  Only if I asked him too.  He told me he could deal with me wanting my freedom and he would let me have it, if that would make me happy.  He told me he could deal with me seeing other men, if that would make me happy.

But that wouldn’t.  There were no words I could say that could explain to him how much I truly loved him and ONLY him that he would believe.  In his eyes I will always be a LIAR that will say just about ANYTHING to get herself out of trouble. I lied to keep from hurting him, but I should have stuck to my OWN motto with regard to that. (I would rather be mad at the truth now, then hurt later when I find out you lied.)

He told me that the best and the worse thing about me is that I can get people to believe just about anything I say, but how can he tell if I’m telling him the truth?

I could tell him I would never lie to him….but I did.  Repeatedly.

I could tell him that I wasn’t infatuated with another man…….but I was…more than one.

I could tell him that I love him……but how can he believe that when I use that word so freely with others.  Does it mean anything anymore to me?

I could tell him that I’ve given up all of my male friends,…………but he wouldn’t believe me because he knows I haven’t.  Some of them are like brothers and it hurts to know that I have to give them up.  Does this mean that I’m IN love with them?  Why the attachment?  It shouldn’t be this hard to choose my HUSBAND over these other guys.  But Karl wouldn’t make me choose.  He doesn’t want me to have to give up anything to be with him.  I don’t deserve him.

 

But believe it or not, we’re coping and trying to move forward.

I know I don’t deserve him or his love and he has every right to leave me, but I’m going to hold on to him for as long as he’ll let me. 

I know after what I’ve done, I shouldn’t be forgiven and I’m sure there are a lot of things that he will never forget, but I can help him cope.  I can be there for him like he has for me all this time.  And try my best to make things right between us.  I got a first class ticket waiting for me straight to Hell for the way I’ve treated him and he doesn’t deserve it. 

I’m making amends.  I’m fighting for my marriage. 

I’m fighting for my marriage.  One day he’s going to get tired of me and want to leave me, but I’m still going to fight. 

Okay, yeah…..I think that was just about as emotional as I can get!  Tomorrow, I’ll come back and update you all on the kids and some work stuff.  I love my new job so at least there’s no stress there.  Some stress, but no where NEAR how it used to be.  Josh is getting deployed to Korea in November, so that’s going to be an adjustment for the kids.  But more on that tomorrow.  I don’t like to spend too much time on the internet anymore.  When Karl is here, that’s family time!

Talk to you soon!

I really hate that you and Karl are going through such a rough patch right now. I have never been married before so I cannot tell you that I know exactly what you're going through right now. For that reason alone you may think that I am crazy for attempting to give words of advice...if this is the case...I'm sorry!

I know it's really hard to let things go when "hurt" feelings are involved...but there is no way that you and/or Karl will ever get past this thing as long as you all hold on to the what ifs and the whys! At some point you all are going to have to let God do his work. It's funny...I have not met either of you, but I can sense the love between the two of you. What God builds and puts together no man can tear apart...nope not even you or Karl. Although God hates the sin, he loves the sinner. Admit ur wrong doings...stand strong in your marriage...Pray for forgiveness and guidance...Commit to God and the rest will work itself out! Believe that!

Two phrases that I have heard recently...

1. You need trust to love, but first you need to love in order to trust.

2. Being happy does not mean that everything is perfect...it just means that you have decided to see beyond the imperfections.

You all will get it together soon...I'm sure of it. God Bless You and Your family!

Wow! thank you sooooo much for that! I really needed to hear that and I thank you so much and really appreciate your comments!

Kris, I'm sorry I haven't been coming by like I should be. I've taken on a lot and I've gotten myself addicted to a video broadcasting site.

How are things going for you since you last posted? How are the kids doing? Are you finding some kind of balance in your life? I hope you will come back, Kris. You are missed, you know...

Well, Kris, where have you gone to now? We've been away on vacation and just got home late Thursday night, and still, you haven't been here. Are you ever coming back? What's happening? How are you doing? How are the kids doing? How are things with you and Karl? I MISS YOU...

Hey Holls! I'm here! I just stopped by your site! I'm gonna have to get up on your videos, I just haven't been able to sit still! I'll be back soon though, I have soooo much to say! Talk to you soon!