I have a LOT on my mind right now. 

That’s probably been what’s been keeping me away from here.  My thoughts.  My mind wandering and some of the things I want to say, but are afraid will be read here. 

I wanted to keep my blog as my sacred place.  A place where I could get these thoughts out of my head and hopefully out of my mind forever, but I can’t.  Well….I can, but I can’t.

You see, my thoughts and writings on this blog and other blogs that refer to me have been used against me in the past.  Making this, MY blog, no longer a safe place to air out these thoughts or even to voice certain opinions.

I feel violated……in a way.  I can’t feel TOTALLY violated because I have come to a place (the internet) where my thoughts and opinions are shared with just about anyone who wants to come across them.   So I CAN’T feel violated. 

All I know is, today is the day when I say FUCK IT!!  I have some things that are BURNING a hole in me that I need to get off my chest. Regardless of who is reading this or who is sharing this.  I’ve been away for too long and I have WAY too much on my mind.

Karl…..

Karl and I have had a little more than the speed bump I talked about earlier.  I’ve been on some what of a slippery slope when it comes to our marriage.  All of it is my doing, so I feel that I should have to deal with the repercussions of my actions.

His trust was tested.  I tested his trust. I did some things that a married woman shouldn’t do.  I’ve owned up to what I’ve done, but the worse thing that I’ve done to feed into this was to lie.  I lied.  And lied. And continued to lie.  Thinking that covering up the truth would spare Karl some of the anxiety or pain that I had already caused.  But instead it had caused even more pain than I had previously imagined. 

I’m one of “those women” that I probably talk about all the time.  I’m not a cheater, but what I was doing could have easily been construed as cheating.  And the trust in our relationship was completely shook up by what I had done.

I was spending WAY too much time on line and had some inappropriate conversations, texts, emails with people I had no business associating with in the first place.

When I was caught, I lied about it. Made it a little less harmless than it actually was.  Or at least I tried.  What I didn’t realize is that everything I said, Karl had a come back or had additional information (what I started calling the “trump cards”) that he had withheld just to see if I was telling the truth.  I was trumped almost every time.  He would ask leading questions and then I would fall right into and because he already had all the background information, he could see my lies from a MILE away.

I know I was wrong for lying.  But I didn’t want to lose him over something trivial. He loves me and I love him.  I guess I was taking a lot of things for granted when I was doing my “exploring”.  I don’t know what came over me.   I don’t even know what was going through my mind when everything was happening.

Now he thinks I’m married to HIM for convenience.  The convenience of being FREE whenever I want to be and having an in-house babysitter.  The convenience of having someone waiting for me whenever I decide to come home without even a question.  The convenience of being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want.  The convenience of the money.  The convenience of the unconditional love he’ll have for me no matter what I do.

Am I married for convenience?  I used to always joke about it when we first got married because he saved a lot of money being married to me because he could just jump on my health insurance instead of paying out the ASS for his own.

I don’t know what made me joke about it then, when now it’s come full circle and our relationship is being scrutinized on its convenience.

What I do know is that I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him.  EVER. 

So now, here we are. 

His jealously has hit an all time high!  He constantly worries about where I am, who I’m with, who I’m talking to on the phone and who I’m e-mailing back and forth.  He checks my phone and I wouldn’t put it past him to check my e-mails too. 

I’ll have to come back for some more updates………

Well i will say that it sounds like your trying to put your marriage back together. When I call to see if you wanna hang out you actually turn me down because you was out late the night before or because you want to spend time with the family. I think that's good. I don't mind you not hanging with me cause family always comes first. I would like for you two to get back to a happily married couple, if a such thing even exist. I know you love your husband and I just hope you two can get past this.

Thanks babe. I just wish it would sound like I'm trying to Karl. I don't express my emotions very well in person, so he seems to think I'm being nonchalant about the whole situation. I gotta work on that. But I'm also writing him a letter. Just some things that I've been thinking and telling him how I feel.