It's been a while.
Marriage hit somewhat of a speed bump.
Needed some time to work things out and make things right.
It was totally my fault. Taking too much time away from the family. Letting my attention get drawn away from what's most important. My husband.
Yes, it was another man. Nothing happened. Just thoughts. But those are dangerous too. Just talking, but that could lead to more. Had to stop all that and focus. Focus on what's right and focus on where my happiness is.
Karl read my last blog. And asked me about the questions I had about our marriage and my happiness. I didnt' know what to tell him. Because I AM happy here.
He blames himself for being so self absorbed.
It's not his fault. Never was his fault. I'm a flirt. I let it go farther than it should have. Too much time spent online, not enough time with the family. It never was his fault.
Everything is different now.
Things have changed. I believe they are for the better. We'll have to see. He seems to still be blaming himself. I'm spending more time at home. Not going out as much and spending time with the family.
But work has taken me away again.
It's my last two weeks before I start a new job.
Karl sometimes wonders if my working late is taking me to seeing this other man. It hurts to hear him say that but I can understand why he would...... because of the speed bump.
We hit a speed bump in our marriage that rocked us. it was my fault. But it was just a bump, we keep reminding ourselves that we WILL get through this.
When we argued about our bump, he still wanted to stay.
I threatened to leave. His trust was faltering. And I gave him every reason NOT to trust me. I felt he deserved better. I've always been broken and I knew someday I would break him. I want him to have better. I don't know if I can be better. But I'm going to try.
I want us to be happy. I want HIM to be happy and he seems to be so happy with me.... But is he still happy now, is the question.
He seems to be. But sometimes he thinks I'm distant. He says that he things "I'm not always here". I tell him that I'm stressed at work. Sometimes he thinks that I'm thinking about "him".
Karl asked to meet "him". Wanted to find out what he had that was taking his wife's attention away. I wouldn't allow it. But he sent "him" and e-mail anyway. Introducing himself. Asking if "he" could "please send his wife home when he's done." I was hurt and had no right to be.
Despite it all, he still wanted to be with me. But I couldn't take the hurt I saw, so I said I would leave. A coward. I'm a coward. I couldn't face the hurt in his eyes. I couldn't stand being there and knowing that I was the cause of so much pain. I wanted it to end, I wanted him to be happy.
He explained that if I left him, the pain would get worse. All he wanted was me and he was willing to share. WTF!!?! I hated that he felt that he had to share me. I had to prove that my heart was his and ONLY his. My heart was no where NEAR "him" and it would NEVER be.
I talk in my sleep.
I mentioned "his" name. I mentioned wanting to "meet him somewhere" and "sneak out of the house to see him". It was awful. I was afraid to sleep for days worried that my subconscious would betray me again and again. I was definitely thinking about him, but I didn't know why. Karl would leave the apartment every time I fell asleep. It was horrible.
Things are normal now. For the time being.
I'm still stressed at work. Aunt Flo is here, which is probably why I'm so emotional right now. But everything is better. Good, in fact. Despite it all, he still loves me and trusts me and we are working through this together.
I'll be back soon for more updates.
8 Comment(s).
by and read the new ALBs message if your interested 
Just dropping by to wish you a great day and a great week ahead. 
Sometimes, things like this are wake-up calls for BOTH partners and not just one or the other. Maybe this is something that will help you strengthen your marriage, knowing what you know, now. Maybe you could encourage Karl to share your online time with you; that might help the two of you reconnect with each other, too. The work time... well, it seems like everyone is spending more time at work, these days, than they are with their families. We can thank the government for that, for sure. But maybe you and Karl could talk about what you want for your financial future, and then decide if all those extra hours are necessary? Just some thoughts, my friend.
I sure miss you... 
It's so great to hear from you!!!! I sure hope you're going to start blogging again, my friend; I really miss reading about your daily life. 
Dropping in to see how you're doing and to wish you a great rest of the week! 
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